Self Care by Leigh Stein

Author:Leigh Stein [Stein, Leigh]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780143135197
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2020-06-29T00:00:00+00:00

Definitely I was wrong about why he was texting me. Lol no , I said.

You were great in the meeting yesterday. I could tell you were flustered at one point but no one else could tell.

I wasn’t flustered. I let out my held breath with a huff. What makes you say that?

I couldn’t help but replay the scene at the conference table in my mind. Was he referencing how awkward it was to have Maren call in? But that wasn’t my fault. All I ever did was try to protect Maren. She was so fragile. She didn’t need to know what Evan had texted me in the car when we were driving to Litchfield County; she didn’t need to know what he said he would have done to me in the walk-in closet if she wasn’t there watching us.

Evan avoided my question. Come over? he said.

I didn’t respond right away. “Alexa,” I said out loud. “Play ‘Shape of You.’”

No too cold , I said. Take an Uber and I’ll leave keys under mat. My doorman knew Evan; there was never a problem with him getting in and taking the elevator up to my floor. It was better this way, more realistic than when I went over there.

I took the time to blow-dry my hair and rub my face with three drops of frankincense oil from a tiny blue vial. I kept my underwear on and tucked myself under the covers, sealing a letter in an envelope.

Evan texted again from the Uber. No touching.

I’m not , I wrote back. Minutes of prickly anticipation passed, a similar sensation to the one I got right before Tressa’s classes, like waiting to let someone else captain the vessel of my body. I wanted to give up control. I obeyed Evan, but even without touching, I was already wet, predicting how our game would play out. I closed my eyes and arranged my arms in an imitation of sleep, my best fairy-tale princess in a coffin pose, an erotic Savasana.

My phone buzzed again. You want this , he said.

I did, but it was hotter to not admit it, and I put my phone under my pillow without responding. Like orgasming in a dream, I could almost make myself come by simply imagining what would happen next: hearing the slow turn of the key in the door and the sound of Evan slipping off his shoes and coat. Knowing he’s in my bedroom by the sound of the belt buckle hitting the oak floor. A few last seconds of waiting with my eyes shut as he softly climbed onto the bed, hovering above me like a dark shadow, pulling down the sheets. Up close I could smell him. He dragged the straps of my nightgown down to my waist and watched (I could only imagine he watched) my nipples respond to the cold before running the pads of his thumbs across them. My job was not to wake up. My job was to keep my eyes shut.

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